I'll get on the "Scientists in the Classroom" followup in the next couple of days, as it's been busy (sub work as a proctor for exams), annoying (clogged bathtub), crashing (car, not computer - everyone's fine), and gratifying (employment).
I'll start work on Monday in a 50% English teacher position (i.e., two blocks of English in a school on the four blocks per semester system). Tomorrow'll reveal what the blocks are (two of eleven or one of eleven and one of nine), as well as what books are in the bookroom, but for now it's just joy.
It was about eight years ago this week that I started my practicum. Frankly, that's just weird to contemplate.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
...there is a limit to the frustrations which any men can endure -- even communists!
(It was either the title above or "Hey! Nothing I like better than a circus!" but the latter really needed the image of Rick Jones saying that in The Incredible Hulk #3 to make it work...)
Titles today - Fantastic Four #6-10, The Incredible Hulk #3-6, Tales to Astonish #39, Amazing Fantasy #15, and Amazing Spider-Man #1
This assortment doesn't quite get through 1963 - there's several issues of Fantastic Four to go yet, plus the Avengers' introduction - but it is a good start on catching up. Thankfully, this week marks the end of the first term of studies here in BC. This means two things - there's a bit of spare time to permit me some expansive blogging, and that openings for the second term need to be filled. The Globe and Mail online reminded me that prospective employers google candidates, and a quick check of my name yielded up my name at Old is the New New... and reminded me to blog. And so!
Today the selection of heroes increases substantially on this blog. I know that I've already done a fair bit on the X-Men, but I decided last year to go back and try to work through the titles from the sixties more or less as they appeared. Now, I don't have every title out there - I'm not sure where Ant-Man first appeared, and I'll probably be able to get by without Thor - but I'm pretty sure that I've got much of the Marvel that I'll need. But until these issues start to feature monthly checklists, ads for other Marvel titles on newsstands that month, or a full complement of 12 issues in a year on the DVD-ROMS, I'll have to guess for a bit. (Basically, it's all good once we get out of 1963.)
Briefly, Fantastic Four #6-10 feature Dr. Doom and the Sub-Mariner teaming up, Kurrgo (the Master of Planet X) kidnapping the FF to force them to save his planet, the introduction of the Puppet Master, Namor's attempt to lure the FF to their doom... in Hollywood, and Dr. Doom's return (in the offices of Marvel Comics)/identity switch with Mr. Fantastic/reduction to subatomic size.
"Scientifically," though, things are happening in most of these issues. Doom plays on the Sub-Mariner's heartstrings (cliches are contagious, sorry) by reminding Namor that "the glistening towers of your once-great civilization" were destroyed when "the barbarians from the surface [conducted] their underwater H-bomb test in this particular area..."(#6, page 8) Doom then demonstrates his a miniaturized supermagnet "grabber" ("Magnetic force is unlimited! And when it is amplified, it has the strength of giants!"), and Namor agrees to plant it in the Baxter Building. (When he flies free from the ocean, Namor is mistaken for an American Polaris missile test by a passing jet. We'll take up the mistaken military-industrial complex/superheroic later on.) Once the magnet's planted, of course, Doom turns on all of them and tries to hurl the entire skyscraper into the sun. (I'll accept the supposition that this tin-can sized device can effect such force, but it's just odd that it'd seamlessly unfix the building from its foundation.) Anyhow, Namor and the FF team up, Doom's hurled off into space by a speeding meteor, and the Baxter Building returns to earth under the cover of darkness. (Narrator's breathless commentary: "...and the stray individuals who later witness the silent return of the Baxter Building from the skies write it off as a bad dream... an hallucination resulting from the anxieties that plague our nuclear society..." (#6, page 23)
#7 features our only early counterculture dig for today: the Human Torch daydreams about the hash he'd make of a swanky tribute dinner in DC - "That reminds me of a joke I heard about two beatniks... or, ah, er, maybe you've already heard it?" (#7, page 2) Mr. Fantastic's not much happier about going to the dinner, since it means that he has to abandon a rocket fuel experiment that's just about to reach fruition. Anyhow, Planet X is about to be destroyed by a rogue planetoid, and Kurgo, the Master of said planet, sends his robot minion and one of the two starships they have to bring the Fantastic Four back so that they can save Planet X. (I'm hoping that more things take up such naming. I'd love to live in Housing Development X.) An American satellite notices the approaching alien craft, and it's first assumed that it might be "an attack by the Reds" before someone else comments that "no earth nation ever built a ship like that!" (#7, page 5) We'll ignore the hostility ray that turns the world against the Fantastic Four (used to blackmail the team into the plot... and somehow ineffectual on this infighty team...) and move along to the close. With the fate of five billion innocents in the balance, Reed devises a shrinking gas to miniaturize the entire population so that they can all travel to another planet and then use the antidote to restore themselves. Kurrgo, of course, plans to save the antidote for himself but instead is left behind when he is unable to decide between power and safety. (And there was no antidote! Oh, the irony!)
#8 is only really notable for two things - the Puppet Master uses "radioactive clay" to make small sculptures of people which permit him to control their actions, and the 22nd page where he describes his plan to destroy the United Nations and make himself king of the world (complete with a panel that shows Khrushchev, Castro, Mao, and perhaps Franco serving him dinner). The means of control is poorly explained - apparently, he has to manipulate these sculptures like marionettes in scale models - and the origin is left untold. ("But what would she say if she could know that ever since I discovered this quantity of radioactive clay, I have been carving it to gain power for myself!" - #8, page 7) But I suppose that's why there are recurring villains. This issue introduces the blind sculptress Alicia Masters as the Thing's love interest. (She's blind but sees the goodness in him!)
#9 is really quite funny. The FF are broke, and an offer of a movie deal delivers them into the plans of the Sub-Mariner! (He found out about their money woes on his undersea television set - apparently, a standard tube encased in a splatter of green algae-like material.) No science here, but there is the real Cyclops and an African tribe that has a potion which protects them from fire. Yeah, let's move along.
#10 brings back Doctor Doom. He uses Jack Kirby and Stan Lee, who are forced to call in Mr .Fantastic to "work out a plot iwith 'em!" "Strange," Mr. Fantastic muses, "we just finished discussing a new plot yesterday!" (#10, page 6) [Yep, the boldfaced emphasis was put on yesterday.] It turns out that Doom was saved from the vastness of space by the Ovoids, an alien race with "science and culture... a million years ahead of ours!" Able to control events around them by thought and to transfer their consciousness into new bodies when they age, Doom learned their secrets and returned for revenge. Before the rest of the Fantastic Four arrive to rescue Reed, Doom transfers their bodies... and assumes leadership. They imprison Reed (trapped in Doom's body) in a cell that will run out of oxygen (designed by Doom, of course, to be a death trap for Reed) and Doom gloats about the brilliant plan that will destroy the rest of the team.
Pages 15-16 of issue #10 are simply some of the funniest, oddest, and most Calvin and Hobbes of all the FF pages I've read so far. [If the link to www.transmogrifier.org doesn't provide the strip, just search for "F-14" to get the flavor.] Doom's stolen zoo animals and shrunk them, and all the tiny animals escape. But it's not the work of villainy - he's going to increase the FF's powers! See, the dinosaurs prove how this will be done: "...ages ago, the dinosaurs were the lords of Earth! But, unfortunately for them, their bodies grew too large while their brains remained the same -- until they simply grew themselves out of existence! But what if they have [sic] been smaller? If their bodies had been a fraction of their natural size, then their brains would have been much larger by comparison! Today, the dinosaurs might still be the rulers of the earth!" This explanation takes up two panels - the first, your standard image of tyrannosaur and triceratops about to throw down; the second, an image of tyrannosaurs with four-fingered human-like arms in space suits on an alien planet. There's a spaceship in the background and odd celestial bodies in the sky, and the foregrounded tyranno-man has a huge, spacey movie camera on a tripod. (This will lead to accusations that even these hypothetical tyranno-men faked the moon landing, of course.) Anyhow, Doom claims that he'll shrink the FF and then re-enlarge them - and in doing so, they'll retain their powers at a tiny size and then have them increase porportionally when they're enlarged. On page 17, Doom's thought bubble reveals that this little bit of "scientific double-talk can fool almost any other unsuspecting victims" since Reed wasn't there to call B.S. on Doom's patter. (I would like to read a story where Reed has to correct this lesson for Johnny. "Who taught you what about dinosaur brains?") Anyhow, Reed escapes, Doom's focus on the body-switch fades and the two scientists trade back to their own bodies, Doom's shot misses its target and switches on the shrinking ray... which shrinks him to nothingness. It seems that the science of evil beings always turns on its inventors in these tales.
Incredible Hulk #3-6 - issues 3-5 feature two stories per issue, and the 6th was the last issue for the first volume of the comic. (He gets moved over to Tales to Astonish later on, and it changes its name to The Incredible Hulk in 1968.) #3 has General Ross trick Rick Jones into tricking the Hulk on board an experimental rocket because "there isn't a man living who could stand the forse of its G-pull... we want the Hulk to ride that rocket, in the interests of national security!" (#3, page 3) Of course, the rocket's set to send the Hulk off into the depths of space. But once in space, the light of the sun changes the Hulk back into Dr. Bruce Banner... and the unshielded space craft enters a radiation belt "and once again Bruce Banner's body is subjected to thos mysterious, powerful rays about which so little is truly known! Rays of intense radiation, with the power to effect the most fantastic changes upon anything that lives!" But Rick discovers that this was all a plot, sidles up to the control panel and turns the payload back to earth. The signal, though, is affected by the radiation and ends up linking Rick to the Hulk - effectively putting the Hulk under the control of Rick. The rest features Rick and the Hulk dealing with the villanous Ringmaster - he hypnotizes towns so that his circus of crime can ransack a city! (No, I'm not kidding. Yes, Snake said it best in the Monorail episode - during the jam-packed town meeting - when he asked another looting criminal if Springfield could be any stupider.)
#4 has a few nice science-y moments. Page two has Betty Ross mooning over a picture of Bruce Banner and reminiscing. (When introduced to Banner, she unabashedly states, "It's a pleasure to find that America's most famous scientist is also so young -- and handsome!" (#4 page 2) You hear that, kids? You can become a famous young scientist! It helps if you're handsome! Hope you like chaste relationships with general's daughters!) Banner's helping the military-industrial complex along nicely, though, even when he's not there - on pages three and four, Ross is overseeing the testing of the "iceberg rocket" which will capture the Hulk. (They test it on a jet-powered copy of the Hulk, of course. It makes Betty shriek, of course.) Rick is brought in for questioning by the military, is saved by the Hulk (who runs amok a bit, including a brief bit of fun on a movie set), and then uses the gamma ray machine in the hidden lab/Hulk holding pen to turn the Hulk back into Banner. Rick messes up a little - he can't turn off the rays in time - but the weakened Banner tells him that it's not Rick's fault ("You're not a scientist!"). But Banner re-adjusts the machine and produces a Banner-controlled Hulk which is angrier and more impatient. That's fine in the second half, "A Gladiator from Outer Space" - an alien warrior called Mongu lands somewhere in the continental United States and challenges "Earth's mightiest warrior to met me in hand-to-hand combat!" (#4, second story, page three). Naturally, the Hulk and Rick Jones charter a mini-jet and fly to the Grand Canyon to meet his challenge. But it's a trap! Mongu was merely a robotized costume worn by Boris Monguski, and his squad of Soviet soldiers plan to bring the Hulk "back behind the Iron Curtain ... [where] our great scientists will learn the secret of your great strength and build for us a whole army of warriors such as you!" (#4, second story, page six). They brought an "ear-splitting sound-gun" with them which "doesn't affect normal ears... [but] prove torturous to the super-sensitive ears of the Hulk!" (#4, second story, page seven) I can't help but wonder if he has super taste, too.... Anyhow, this challenge is bested, Hulk forces them to surrender (since there is "a limit to the frustrations which any men can endure -- even communists!"), and sends them packing in their helicopter (and if they don't immediately set course "to Vodka-land by the time I hit earth, I'll be back!") (#4, second story, page 9). Newspapers, of course, assume that this was all a hoax perpetrated by the Hulk and he remains a pariah. (SNL circa 1976: "General Francisco Franco is still dead, and the Hulk is still a pariah.")
The first story in #5 can mostly be left aside - an immortal wizard called Tyrranus, imprisioned underground by Merlin, kidnaps Betty Ross and temporarily forces the Hulk to be a gladiator. Instead, we'll take up the next chapter of the Hulk as Red-buster. In "The Hordes of General Fang," the "iceberg rocket" is used upon the Hulk. It successfully finds its target and encases him in ice, but "the one thing "Thunderbolt" Ross did not take into consideration was the intense body heat of the captive Hulk! For, like an atomic pile, when the Hulk expends his almost limitless energy and power, his temperature rises to an unimaginable degree!" (#5, second story, page 2) And so he escapes. An urgent bulletin from the small nation of Llhasa informs us that "the bloodthirsty scourge of Asia, General Fang" is about to invade with his evil plunderers. (#5, second story, page 4. He's also atop a slave- or POW-borne litter. How decadent and evil.) Anyhow, the Hulk and Rick travel to "the Orient" on a jet for no reason other than the fun of watching Hulk rage at a clumsy stewardess spilling coffee on him. They escape over Formosa, though, and move along westward to Red China. (Ah, pre-1973 comics.) Hulk dresses up as the abominable snowman, wreaks havoc on the hordes, is captured, is freed by Rick, captures Fang, and drops him off in Formosa. Fang gets a chance to demonstrate his evil - he orders a soldier's execution for daring to counsel retreat in the face of the yeti - and his tactics - he employs a sophisticated projector which displays a massive lavender dragon (#5, second story, page 9). (The dragon looks kind of like Fin Fang Foom - which I think was a 50s Marvel monster before it was added to the Marvel universe. And Massive Lavender Dragon would be an excellent prog rock band name.)
#6 isn't terribly noteworthy except for three things. One is that the villain, the Metal Master (an alien conqueror) melts Banner's "space probe rocket" with its powers, and the second is that the reader letters in this issue were not impressed with Mongu-the-communist-plot. The third, though, is the most excellent. Hulk, defeated by the Metal Master, is summarily imprisoned by Ross, and blames it on Rick. Rick is "hurt, bewildered" and asks Ross where one would enlist in the army. Rick, only sixteen, is too young. "But I'm tired of bein' just a nothin'! I wanna be where the action is!" Ross knows how Rick feels, but tells Rick that if he "really [wants] to serve your country... the best thing to do is stay in school! America needs trained men, in every field -- even in the army! And then, when you're old enough..." (#6, page 12) Rick's dejected by this. Some unknown person in a brown suit argues that Rick should "just stick to [his] education! That's what the rest of us are doing!", but Rick ruefully thinks, "Sure, it's okay for him to talk! He was never the Hulk's partner! How can I go back to being an ordinary kid after something like that!" (#6, page 13) Rick immediately finds the answer, though. His cool friends show him the ham radio set they're playing with, and Rick sets up the Teen Brigade - a setup of "cats like us, all over the country" working together to "help the army, the police everybody" - and "they can't stop us on account of our age!" (#6, page 13). And, of course, they help the Hulk trick the Metal Master and save the earth - and the Hulk gives them most of the credit for helping to assemble the fake gun that the Metal Master couldn't destroy. (Is there anything that plastics and cardboard can't do?)
So that addresses the issues for the established heroes. Two new ones are introduced around this time.
Tales of Suspense #39 presents the reader with Iron Man's origin story. This'll be all over the media this year, so I may as well do it right by its Cold War origins. (I shudder to think about the likely War on Terror origins for the movie incarnation, but so it goes...) Tony Stark is a wunderkind inventor visiting Vietnam to demonstrate and field-test his industrialized magnets. Naturally, he needs to be guarded - "the commies would give their eyeteeth to know what he's working on now!" - but he's also a millionaire playboy bachelor (#39, pages 2-3). But all is not right in Vietnam - there's an evil warlord whose plundering hordes are marching through the countryside and wreaking havoc. (No, not General Fang, but good guess.) Wong-Chu likes to wrestle, plunder, and... be victorious. And he's mean. (Not much characterization, but I don't think any hero's expected to be set against their nemesis in the first issue. There was a great What If...? issue in the 80s that examined a different story for Iron Man and made Wong-Chu more important, but not necessarily more developed as a character. But, as Nigel Tufnel would remind me, "that's nit-picking, isn't it?")
Anyhow, the general in charge in Vietnam has a staggeringly painful time understanding the nature of guerrilla warfare ("Our heavy artillery could defeat them, but we can't transport such big weapons through the dense jungle!"), but Stark's midget transistors will allow US allies to carry mortars that aren't any heavier or larger than flashlights (#39, page 4). (Er... I thought he was testing magnets, not miniaturized mortars... continuity editor!) Brief skirmish ensues, Stark treads upon a booby trap and injures himself (and apparently kills his guards), and is captured by the red guerrillas. (That's all they're ever called. I wonder if things change later for Marvel.) Anyhow, the shrapnel's near his heart and inoperable (he's only got a week to live), and so Wong-Chu tries to trick him into inventing a superweapon by promising a surgeon for Stark if a new weapon's designed within the week. Stark sees through the lies, but agrees so that his "last act will be to defeat this grinning, smirking, red terrorist!" (#39, page 5) Wong-Chu, naturally, laps up the fact that Stark "would not hesitate to betray [his] country to save [himself]!" (ibid.)
The next day, Stark is given some help - the great scientist, Professor Yinsen, had been forced to work as Wong-Chu's "lowly manservant" but now would assist the inventing process. Stark, of course, read Yinsen's books in college, and thought that Yinsen was the "greatest physicist of all" but everyone thought he'd died. (#39, page 6) Once told of the plans for the Iron Man armor, Tinsen throws himself into the effort. It is full of transistorized, electronic goodness - and it features a device to keep Stark's heart beating. But! Once Stark puts on the armor it needs to be charged - and the guards are coming back early! Yinsen quickly acts to save Stark and the work that they've done, but is killed in the process. Iron Man hides in the rafters, and Wong-Chu decides to go wrestle peasants. (No, I'm not kidding.) Iron Man picks up a handy white smock and blue fedora and heads out to the wrestling ground to challenge Wong-Chu. (What is it with superheroes and wrestling in their origin stories?) As he holds Wong-Chu aloft, Iron Man states, "You are not facing a wounded, dying man now... or an aged, gentle professor! This is Iron Man who opposes you, and all you stand for!" (#39, page 10)
Naturally, Wong-Chu calls in his hordes, and they open fire with small arms and then progress to bazookas and grenades. The bullets "Kapow!" and "Painng!" away, and a reversed charge on a transistorized magnet repels the heavy stuff. Iron Man next hacks the PA loudspeaker to tell the hordes to desert and run away, and he reflects that "In panic, and without leadership, they'll soon be captured by South Vietnam troops!" He chases after Wong-Chu, and, because the latter is about to order the execution of all the prisoners, Iron Man ignites a stream of oil which leads to the ammo dump to end the threat. He liberates the prisoners, sends the reds running, and then puts on the hat and smock and walks away, David Banner-like.
(David Banner, of course, was the name used for the 1970s "The Incredible Hulk" TV show, and he always walked out in the midst of the sad song at the close of the show. This list is not about the close, but rather the ways in which the Hulk got his Hulk on. Again, we're not yet at this stage for the Hulk yet in the comics. Anyhow, if my schoolyard memories are accurate, his TV name was changed to "David" because someone thought "Bruce" wasn't a manly enough name. As I'm pretty sure MAD magazine noted in their parody, it's pretty odd that, in the decade of Bruces Jenner and Springsteen, NBC execs/TV writers/whoever would make such a change.)
Anyhow....
We close with Spider-Man today. I'm sure everyone knows this one by now - either due to Sam Raimi's films or the 1960s cartoon with the awesome theme song - but here goes again. Peter Parker, a nerdy wallflower being raised by his aunt and uncle in NYC, is bit by a radioactive spider and given amazing powers. But! When he fails to halt a thief who soon thereafter kills his beloved Uncle Ben, he learns that with great powers comes great responsibility. (Seriously, I could recite that one in my sleep. I probably have.)
Anyhow, Spidey first appears in the final issue of Amazing Fantasy - which was rebranded as The Amazing Spider-Man at the end of 1963 - as the main story. (Just like in Tales of Suspense, this was an anthology comic. I'll take up a couple of the B stories later.) I could say a lot about the art - Ditko's really astonishing, especially as an artfully gawky yin to Kirby's dynamic yang - but I'll comment on the text instead. Naturally, Peter tries to talk a girl into going to the Science Hall with him (just "Sally" - no MJ or Gwen Stacy yet), but is mocked: "Give our regards to the atomsmashers, Peter!" (#15, page 2) The fateful experiment doesn't make much sense - radiation sent from orb to orb like electricity, I guess - but Peter's post-bite swoon is mocked by the older science types. Nothing worse than lab bullies, really. I really like that one notes that "our experiment unnerved young Parker!" and the other replies "Too bad! He must have a weak stomach!" (#15, page 3) This works in many ways: one, the scientists have an attractive young woman with them, so even these scientists are cooler than Peter. Two, even these men of science who aren't Banner, Richards, or Stark conclude all of their sentences with exclamation marks. Three, and best of all, they seem to be making their science even more elitist and distant. Rather than concern themselves with the lack of stomach for radiation research - and, perhaps by extension, nuclear research in general - that a nerdy youth displays, they chalk it up to some deficiency of Parker's character or ability. It's a fairly effective tactic - Peter's set up as someone who knows science but is an all-around outcast, but he'll mostly stay out of the lab and not scare away the readers. This reminds me of a passage from Scientists in the Classroom... I'll have to look for that tomorrow.
Anyhow, Peter effortlessly designs webcasters (no organics here) and starts on his road to fortune. His just-looking-out-for-himself ethos is only relaxed for his kindly Uncle and Aunt - who get him the microscope he's always wanted on page 8 - and by page 11 he learns the shortcoming of his philosophy. Still, money is needed. In the first issue of Amazing Spider-Man (generally to be abbreviated as ASM), Aunt May's trying to find a way to make ends meet and Peter goes looking for work. Peter offers to drop out, but Aunt May won't hear of it: "Your uncle always dreamed of you being a scientist some day!" (#1, page 3) Peter decides to go back under the spotlights, but finds that he can't cash the check made out to "Spider-Man." By that point, J. Jonah Jameson has started his editorial campaign against Spidey, and there's no chance of further stage work. (JJJ also starts stumping for the heroism of his son John, a test pilot.)
In spite of all this, the story has Spider-Man save John Jameson from a guidance system failure on his test space capsule. Really, this is a ludicrous story - there's no real sense of the orbit that Jameson's in, there's several rescue attempts made which don't make much sense, Spidey convinces a pilot to fly him up to the area with the capsule, and then web-slings his way over to the capsule with a spare guidance system. But! There's no way to get in JJJ's good books, as he chalks up the crisis to Spider-Man's sabotage of the situation so that he could present himself as a hero.
The
Anyhow, Chameleon somehow is able to broadcast messages on the same wavelengths that spiders communicate (must have been some angry spiders in NYC that night...) and he draws Spidey out to the scene of his next heist. As the Chameleon escapes by helicopter, Spidey's able to use his Spider-sense to "tune in" the chopper and hone in on it. (Nope, none of those fancy Spider-tracers yet. I wonder if the Chameleon will get the credit for that one later on?) Spider-Man jams the hatch of the Soviet sub shut and he then commandeers the Chameleon's helicopter back to the scene of the crime. But! A smoke pellet provides the Chameleon with time enough to run off and disguise himself as one of New York's finest. Luckily, Spider-Man manages to help nab him, but he still feels abused by the world.
The B-stories for Amazing Fantasy and Tales of Suspense are odd. In TOS #39, there's "the Last Rocket" - with all but two humans fleeing the planet in the face of impending solar collapse. The two that stay dig the earth, love nature, and don't want to leave their homes. The sun nears its end, and then a new star explodes into place - and Adam and Eve talk about how they're going to populate this new earth. (I'll take Larry Niven's "How About Chocolate Covered Manhole Covers" instead - which does a nicer job of this, thanks.) And #39 ends with "Gundar!" - where the shipwrecked descendant of a Viking captain who'd cursed his mutinous crew frees them from the curse. (Yep, I've told that one back to front - they reveal his name at the end. I'm sure I've ruined that story for dozens now.)
In Amazing Fantasy #15 there's another religious parable - this time, in "The Bell-ringer!", the old man who stays on a volcano-imperiled island is taken heavenward from the chapel which he'd not deserted. (And yet it takes three pages to tell it!) Two sub-EC "surprise twist" tales round out this issue - in "Man in the Mummy Case!", a thief is offered refuge from the police by a mummy... only the refuge is through time, working as a slave on the work gang for the mummy's pyramid! And in "There are Martians among us!" a UFO crash-lands and the nation is alerted to the likelihood of human-sized martians among them. Weeks pass, and a quiet domestic scene of paranoia is shown - with the husband daring to go out, and the wife told to not admit anyone - but when the wife realizes that there's no coffee for after dinner, she dares to go and buy some... only to be surprised by footsteps and then captured! And when her husband comes home to find her missing and calls for help - if she's gone, then she's been caught and they'll know she's a Martian... and they'll come for him next! And as he says this, one hand is holding the phone to his head... another is mopping his cheek... and two others are held out in either surprise or jazz-hands! Quel surprise!
Titles today - Fantastic Four #6-10, The Incredible Hulk #3-6, Tales to Astonish #39, Amazing Fantasy #15, and Amazing Spider-Man #1
This assortment doesn't quite get through 1963 - there's several issues of Fantastic Four to go yet, plus the Avengers' introduction - but it is a good start on catching up. Thankfully, this week marks the end of the first term of studies here in BC. This means two things - there's a bit of spare time to permit me some expansive blogging, and that openings for the second term need to be filled. The Globe and Mail online reminded me that prospective employers google candidates, and a quick check of my name yielded up my name at Old is the New New... and reminded me to blog. And so!
Today the selection of heroes increases substantially on this blog. I know that I've already done a fair bit on the X-Men, but I decided last year to go back and try to work through the titles from the sixties more or less as they appeared. Now, I don't have every title out there - I'm not sure where Ant-Man first appeared, and I'll probably be able to get by without Thor - but I'm pretty sure that I've got much of the Marvel that I'll need. But until these issues start to feature monthly checklists, ads for other Marvel titles on newsstands that month, or a full complement of 12 issues in a year on the DVD-ROMS, I'll have to guess for a bit. (Basically, it's all good once we get out of 1963.)
Briefly, Fantastic Four #6-10 feature Dr. Doom and the Sub-Mariner teaming up, Kurrgo (the Master of Planet X) kidnapping the FF to force them to save his planet, the introduction of the Puppet Master, Namor's attempt to lure the FF to their doom... in Hollywood, and Dr. Doom's return (in the offices of Marvel Comics)/identity switch with Mr. Fantastic/reduction to subatomic size.
"Scientifically," though, things are happening in most of these issues. Doom plays on the Sub-Mariner's heartstrings (cliches are contagious, sorry) by reminding Namor that "the glistening towers of your once-great civilization" were destroyed when "the barbarians from the surface [conducted] their underwater H-bomb test in this particular area..."(#6, page 8) Doom then demonstrates his a miniaturized supermagnet "grabber" ("Magnetic force is unlimited! And when it is amplified, it has the strength of giants!"), and Namor agrees to plant it in the Baxter Building. (When he flies free from the ocean, Namor is mistaken for an American Polaris missile test by a passing jet. We'll take up the mistaken military-industrial complex/superheroic later on.) Once the magnet's planted, of course, Doom turns on all of them and tries to hurl the entire skyscraper into the sun. (I'll accept the supposition that this tin-can sized device can effect such force, but it's just odd that it'd seamlessly unfix the building from its foundation.) Anyhow, Namor and the FF team up, Doom's hurled off into space by a speeding meteor, and the Baxter Building returns to earth under the cover of darkness. (Narrator's breathless commentary: "...and the stray individuals who later witness the silent return of the Baxter Building from the skies write it off as a bad dream... an hallucination resulting from the anxieties that plague our nuclear society..." (#6, page 23)
#7 features our only early counterculture dig for today: the Human Torch daydreams about the hash he'd make of a swanky tribute dinner in DC - "That reminds me of a joke I heard about two beatniks... or, ah, er, maybe you've already heard it?" (#7, page 2) Mr. Fantastic's not much happier about going to the dinner, since it means that he has to abandon a rocket fuel experiment that's just about to reach fruition. Anyhow, Planet X is about to be destroyed by a rogue planetoid, and Kurgo, the Master of said planet, sends his robot minion and one of the two starships they have to bring the Fantastic Four back so that they can save Planet X. (I'm hoping that more things take up such naming. I'd love to live in Housing Development X.) An American satellite notices the approaching alien craft, and it's first assumed that it might be "an attack by the Reds" before someone else comments that "no earth nation ever built a ship like that!" (#7, page 5) We'll ignore the hostility ray that turns the world against the Fantastic Four (used to blackmail the team into the plot... and somehow ineffectual on this infighty team...) and move along to the close. With the fate of five billion innocents in the balance, Reed devises a shrinking gas to miniaturize the entire population so that they can all travel to another planet and then use the antidote to restore themselves. Kurrgo, of course, plans to save the antidote for himself but instead is left behind when he is unable to decide between power and safety. (And there was no antidote! Oh, the irony!)
#8 is only really notable for two things - the Puppet Master uses "radioactive clay" to make small sculptures of people which permit him to control their actions, and the 22nd page where he describes his plan to destroy the United Nations and make himself king of the world (complete with a panel that shows Khrushchev, Castro, Mao, and perhaps Franco serving him dinner). The means of control is poorly explained - apparently, he has to manipulate these sculptures like marionettes in scale models - and the origin is left untold. ("But what would she say if she could know that ever since I discovered this quantity of radioactive clay, I have been carving it to gain power for myself!" - #8, page 7) But I suppose that's why there are recurring villains. This issue introduces the blind sculptress Alicia Masters as the Thing's love interest. (She's blind but sees the goodness in him!)
#9 is really quite funny. The FF are broke, and an offer of a movie deal delivers them into the plans of the Sub-Mariner! (He found out about their money woes on his undersea television set - apparently, a standard tube encased in a splatter of green algae-like material.) No science here, but there is the real Cyclops and an African tribe that has a potion which protects them from fire. Yeah, let's move along.
#10 brings back Doctor Doom. He uses Jack Kirby and Stan Lee, who are forced to call in Mr .Fantastic to "work out a plot iwith 'em!" "Strange," Mr. Fantastic muses, "we just finished discussing a new plot yesterday!" (#10, page 6) [Yep, the boldfaced emphasis was put on yesterday.] It turns out that Doom was saved from the vastness of space by the Ovoids, an alien race with "science and culture... a million years ahead of ours!" Able to control events around them by thought and to transfer their consciousness into new bodies when they age, Doom learned their secrets and returned for revenge. Before the rest of the Fantastic Four arrive to rescue Reed, Doom transfers their bodies... and assumes leadership. They imprison Reed (trapped in Doom's body) in a cell that will run out of oxygen (designed by Doom, of course, to be a death trap for Reed) and Doom gloats about the brilliant plan that will destroy the rest of the team.
Pages 15-16 of issue #10 are simply some of the funniest, oddest, and most Calvin and Hobbes of all the FF pages I've read so far. [If the link to www.transmogrifier.org doesn't provide the strip, just search for "F-14" to get the flavor.] Doom's stolen zoo animals and shrunk them, and all the tiny animals escape. But it's not the work of villainy - he's going to increase the FF's powers! See, the dinosaurs prove how this will be done: "...ages ago, the dinosaurs were the lords of Earth! But, unfortunately for them, their bodies grew too large while their brains remained the same -- until they simply grew themselves out of existence! But what if they have [sic] been smaller? If their bodies had been a fraction of their natural size, then their brains would have been much larger by comparison! Today, the dinosaurs might still be the rulers of the earth!" This explanation takes up two panels - the first, your standard image of tyrannosaur and triceratops about to throw down; the second, an image of tyrannosaurs with four-fingered human-like arms in space suits on an alien planet. There's a spaceship in the background and odd celestial bodies in the sky, and the foregrounded tyranno-man has a huge, spacey movie camera on a tripod. (This will lead to accusations that even these hypothetical tyranno-men faked the moon landing, of course.) Anyhow, Doom claims that he'll shrink the FF and then re-enlarge them - and in doing so, they'll retain their powers at a tiny size and then have them increase porportionally when they're enlarged. On page 17, Doom's thought bubble reveals that this little bit of "scientific double-talk can fool almost any other unsuspecting victims" since Reed wasn't there to call B.S. on Doom's patter. (I would like to read a story where Reed has to correct this lesson for Johnny. "Who taught you what about dinosaur brains?") Anyhow, Reed escapes, Doom's focus on the body-switch fades and the two scientists trade back to their own bodies, Doom's shot misses its target and switches on the shrinking ray... which shrinks him to nothingness. It seems that the science of evil beings always turns on its inventors in these tales.
Incredible Hulk #3-6 - issues 3-5 feature two stories per issue, and the 6th was the last issue for the first volume of the comic. (He gets moved over to Tales to Astonish later on, and it changes its name to The Incredible Hulk in 1968.) #3 has General Ross trick Rick Jones into tricking the Hulk on board an experimental rocket because "there isn't a man living who could stand the forse of its G-pull... we want the Hulk to ride that rocket, in the interests of national security!" (#3, page 3) Of course, the rocket's set to send the Hulk off into the depths of space. But once in space, the light of the sun changes the Hulk back into Dr. Bruce Banner... and the unshielded space craft enters a radiation belt "and once again Bruce Banner's body is subjected to thos mysterious, powerful rays about which so little is truly known! Rays of intense radiation, with the power to effect the most fantastic changes upon anything that lives!" But Rick discovers that this was all a plot, sidles up to the control panel and turns the payload back to earth. The signal, though, is affected by the radiation and ends up linking Rick to the Hulk - effectively putting the Hulk under the control of Rick. The rest features Rick and the Hulk dealing with the villanous Ringmaster - he hypnotizes towns so that his circus of crime can ransack a city! (No, I'm not kidding. Yes, Snake said it best in the Monorail episode - during the jam-packed town meeting - when he asked another looting criminal if Springfield could be any stupider.)
#4 has a few nice science-y moments. Page two has Betty Ross mooning over a picture of Bruce Banner and reminiscing. (When introduced to Banner, she unabashedly states, "It's a pleasure to find that America's most famous scientist is also so young -- and handsome!" (#4 page 2) You hear that, kids? You can become a famous young scientist! It helps if you're handsome! Hope you like chaste relationships with general's daughters!) Banner's helping the military-industrial complex along nicely, though, even when he's not there - on pages three and four, Ross is overseeing the testing of the "iceberg rocket" which will capture the Hulk. (They test it on a jet-powered copy of the Hulk, of course. It makes Betty shriek, of course.) Rick is brought in for questioning by the military, is saved by the Hulk (who runs amok a bit, including a brief bit of fun on a movie set), and then uses the gamma ray machine in the hidden lab/Hulk holding pen to turn the Hulk back into Banner. Rick messes up a little - he can't turn off the rays in time - but the weakened Banner tells him that it's not Rick's fault ("You're not a scientist!"). But Banner re-adjusts the machine and produces a Banner-controlled Hulk which is angrier and more impatient. That's fine in the second half, "A Gladiator from Outer Space" - an alien warrior called Mongu lands somewhere in the continental United States and challenges "Earth's mightiest warrior to met me in hand-to-hand combat!" (#4, second story, page three). Naturally, the Hulk and Rick Jones charter a mini-jet and fly to the Grand Canyon to meet his challenge. But it's a trap! Mongu was merely a robotized costume worn by Boris Monguski, and his squad of Soviet soldiers plan to bring the Hulk "back behind the Iron Curtain ... [where] our great scientists will learn the secret of your great strength and build for us a whole army of warriors such as you!" (#4, second story, page six). They brought an "ear-splitting sound-gun" with them which "doesn't affect normal ears... [but] prove torturous to the super-sensitive ears of the Hulk!" (#4, second story, page seven) I can't help but wonder if he has super taste, too.... Anyhow, this challenge is bested, Hulk forces them to surrender (since there is "a limit to the frustrations which any men can endure -- even communists!"), and sends them packing in their helicopter (and if they don't immediately set course "to Vodka-land by the time I hit earth, I'll be back!") (#4, second story, page 9). Newspapers, of course, assume that this was all a hoax perpetrated by the Hulk and he remains a pariah. (SNL circa 1976: "General Francisco Franco is still dead, and the Hulk is still a pariah.")
The first story in #5 can mostly be left aside - an immortal wizard called Tyrranus, imprisioned underground by Merlin, kidnaps Betty Ross and temporarily forces the Hulk to be a gladiator. Instead, we'll take up the next chapter of the Hulk as Red-buster. In "The Hordes of General Fang," the "iceberg rocket" is used upon the Hulk. It successfully finds its target and encases him in ice, but "the one thing "Thunderbolt" Ross did not take into consideration was the intense body heat of the captive Hulk! For, like an atomic pile, when the Hulk expends his almost limitless energy and power, his temperature rises to an unimaginable degree!" (#5, second story, page 2) And so he escapes. An urgent bulletin from the small nation of Llhasa informs us that "the bloodthirsty scourge of Asia, General Fang" is about to invade with his evil plunderers. (#5, second story, page 4. He's also atop a slave- or POW-borne litter. How decadent and evil.) Anyhow, the Hulk and Rick travel to "the Orient" on a jet for no reason other than the fun of watching Hulk rage at a clumsy stewardess spilling coffee on him. They escape over Formosa, though, and move along westward to Red China. (Ah, pre-1973 comics.) Hulk dresses up as the abominable snowman, wreaks havoc on the hordes, is captured, is freed by Rick, captures Fang, and drops him off in Formosa. Fang gets a chance to demonstrate his evil - he orders a soldier's execution for daring to counsel retreat in the face of the yeti - and his tactics - he employs a sophisticated projector which displays a massive lavender dragon (#5, second story, page 9). (The dragon looks kind of like Fin Fang Foom - which I think was a 50s Marvel monster before it was added to the Marvel universe. And Massive Lavender Dragon would be an excellent prog rock band name.)
#6 isn't terribly noteworthy except for three things. One is that the villain, the Metal Master (an alien conqueror) melts Banner's "space probe rocket" with its powers, and the second is that the reader letters in this issue were not impressed with Mongu-the-communist-plot. The third, though, is the most excellent. Hulk, defeated by the Metal Master, is summarily imprisoned by Ross, and blames it on Rick. Rick is "hurt, bewildered" and asks Ross where one would enlist in the army. Rick, only sixteen, is too young. "But I'm tired of bein' just a nothin'! I wanna be where the action is!" Ross knows how Rick feels, but tells Rick that if he "really [wants] to serve your country... the best thing to do is stay in school! America needs trained men, in every field -- even in the army! And then, when you're old enough..." (#6, page 12) Rick's dejected by this. Some unknown person in a brown suit argues that Rick should "just stick to [his] education! That's what the rest of us are doing!", but Rick ruefully thinks, "Sure, it's okay for him to talk! He was never the Hulk's partner! How can I go back to being an ordinary kid after something like that!" (#6, page 13) Rick immediately finds the answer, though. His cool friends show him the ham radio set they're playing with, and Rick sets up the Teen Brigade - a setup of "cats like us, all over the country" working together to "help the army, the police everybody" - and "they can't stop us on account of our age!" (#6, page 13). And, of course, they help the Hulk trick the Metal Master and save the earth - and the Hulk gives them most of the credit for helping to assemble the fake gun that the Metal Master couldn't destroy. (Is there anything that plastics and cardboard can't do?)
So that addresses the issues for the established heroes. Two new ones are introduced around this time.
Tales of Suspense #39 presents the reader with Iron Man's origin story. This'll be all over the media this year, so I may as well do it right by its Cold War origins. (I shudder to think about the likely War on Terror origins for the movie incarnation, but so it goes...) Tony Stark is a wunderkind inventor visiting Vietnam to demonstrate and field-test his industrialized magnets. Naturally, he needs to be guarded - "the commies would give their eyeteeth to know what he's working on now!" - but he's also a millionaire playboy bachelor (#39, pages 2-3). But all is not right in Vietnam - there's an evil warlord whose plundering hordes are marching through the countryside and wreaking havoc. (No, not General Fang, but good guess.) Wong-Chu likes to wrestle, plunder, and... be victorious. And he's mean. (Not much characterization, but I don't think any hero's expected to be set against their nemesis in the first issue. There was a great What If...? issue in the 80s that examined a different story for Iron Man and made Wong-Chu more important, but not necessarily more developed as a character. But, as Nigel Tufnel would remind me, "that's nit-picking, isn't it?")
Anyhow, the general in charge in Vietnam has a staggeringly painful time understanding the nature of guerrilla warfare ("Our heavy artillery could defeat them, but we can't transport such big weapons through the dense jungle!"), but Stark's midget transistors will allow US allies to carry mortars that aren't any heavier or larger than flashlights (#39, page 4). (Er... I thought he was testing magnets, not miniaturized mortars... continuity editor!) Brief skirmish ensues, Stark treads upon a booby trap and injures himself (and apparently kills his guards), and is captured by the red guerrillas. (That's all they're ever called. I wonder if things change later for Marvel.) Anyhow, the shrapnel's near his heart and inoperable (he's only got a week to live), and so Wong-Chu tries to trick him into inventing a superweapon by promising a surgeon for Stark if a new weapon's designed within the week. Stark sees through the lies, but agrees so that his "last act will be to defeat this grinning, smirking, red terrorist!" (#39, page 5) Wong-Chu, naturally, laps up the fact that Stark "would not hesitate to betray [his] country to save [himself]!" (ibid.)
The next day, Stark is given some help - the great scientist, Professor Yinsen, had been forced to work as Wong-Chu's "lowly manservant" but now would assist the inventing process. Stark, of course, read Yinsen's books in college, and thought that Yinsen was the "greatest physicist of all" but everyone thought he'd died. (#39, page 6) Once told of the plans for the Iron Man armor, Tinsen throws himself into the effort. It is full of transistorized, electronic goodness - and it features a device to keep Stark's heart beating. But! Once Stark puts on the armor it needs to be charged - and the guards are coming back early! Yinsen quickly acts to save Stark and the work that they've done, but is killed in the process. Iron Man hides in the rafters, and Wong-Chu decides to go wrestle peasants. (No, I'm not kidding.) Iron Man picks up a handy white smock and blue fedora and heads out to the wrestling ground to challenge Wong-Chu. (What is it with superheroes and wrestling in their origin stories?) As he holds Wong-Chu aloft, Iron Man states, "You are not facing a wounded, dying man now... or an aged, gentle professor! This is Iron Man who opposes you, and all you stand for!" (#39, page 10)
Naturally, Wong-Chu calls in his hordes, and they open fire with small arms and then progress to bazookas and grenades. The bullets "Kapow!" and "Painng!" away, and a reversed charge on a transistorized magnet repels the heavy stuff. Iron Man next hacks the PA loudspeaker to tell the hordes to desert and run away, and he reflects that "In panic, and without leadership, they'll soon be captured by South Vietnam troops!" He chases after Wong-Chu, and, because the latter is about to order the execution of all the prisoners, Iron Man ignites a stream of oil which leads to the ammo dump to end the threat. He liberates the prisoners, sends the reds running, and then puts on the hat and smock and walks away, David Banner-like.
(David Banner, of course, was the name used for the 1970s "The Incredible Hulk" TV show, and he always walked out in the midst of the sad song at the close of the show. This list is not about the close, but rather the ways in which the Hulk got his Hulk on. Again, we're not yet at this stage for the Hulk yet in the comics. Anyhow, if my schoolyard memories are accurate, his TV name was changed to "David" because someone thought "Bruce" wasn't a manly enough name. As I'm pretty sure MAD magazine noted in their parody, it's pretty odd that, in the decade of Bruces Jenner and Springsteen, NBC execs/TV writers/whoever would make such a change.)
Anyhow....
We close with Spider-Man today. I'm sure everyone knows this one by now - either due to Sam Raimi's films or the 1960s cartoon with the awesome theme song - but here goes again. Peter Parker, a nerdy wallflower being raised by his aunt and uncle in NYC, is bit by a radioactive spider and given amazing powers. But! When he fails to halt a thief who soon thereafter kills his beloved Uncle Ben, he learns that with great powers comes great responsibility. (Seriously, I could recite that one in my sleep. I probably have.)
Anyhow, Spidey first appears in the final issue of Amazing Fantasy - which was rebranded as The Amazing Spider-Man at the end of 1963 - as the main story. (Just like in Tales of Suspense, this was an anthology comic. I'll take up a couple of the B stories later.) I could say a lot about the art - Ditko's really astonishing, especially as an artfully gawky yin to Kirby's dynamic yang - but I'll comment on the text instead. Naturally, Peter tries to talk a girl into going to the Science Hall with him (just "Sally" - no MJ or Gwen Stacy yet), but is mocked: "Give our regards to the atomsmashers, Peter!" (#15, page 2) The fateful experiment doesn't make much sense - radiation sent from orb to orb like electricity, I guess - but Peter's post-bite swoon is mocked by the older science types. Nothing worse than lab bullies, really. I really like that one notes that "our experiment unnerved young Parker!" and the other replies "Too bad! He must have a weak stomach!" (#15, page 3) This works in many ways: one, the scientists have an attractive young woman with them, so even these scientists are cooler than Peter. Two, even these men of science who aren't Banner, Richards, or Stark conclude all of their sentences with exclamation marks. Three, and best of all, they seem to be making their science even more elitist and distant. Rather than concern themselves with the lack of stomach for radiation research - and, perhaps by extension, nuclear research in general - that a nerdy youth displays, they chalk it up to some deficiency of Parker's character or ability. It's a fairly effective tactic - Peter's set up as someone who knows science but is an all-around outcast, but he'll mostly stay out of the lab and not scare away the readers. This reminds me of a passage from Scientists in the Classroom... I'll have to look for that tomorrow.
Anyhow, Peter effortlessly designs webcasters (no organics here) and starts on his road to fortune. His just-looking-out-for-himself ethos is only relaxed for his kindly Uncle and Aunt - who get him the microscope he's always wanted on page 8 - and by page 11 he learns the shortcoming of his philosophy. Still, money is needed. In the first issue of Amazing Spider-Man (generally to be abbreviated as ASM), Aunt May's trying to find a way to make ends meet and Peter goes looking for work. Peter offers to drop out, but Aunt May won't hear of it: "Your uncle always dreamed of you being a scientist some day!" (#1, page 3) Peter decides to go back under the spotlights, but finds that he can't cash the check made out to "Spider-Man." By that point, J. Jonah Jameson has started his editorial campaign against Spidey, and there's no chance of further stage work. (JJJ also starts stumping for the heroism of his son John, a test pilot.)
In spite of all this, the story has Spider-Man save John Jameson from a guidance system failure on his test space capsule. Really, this is a ludicrous story - there's no real sense of the orbit that Jameson's in, there's several rescue attempts made which don't make much sense, Spidey convinces a pilot to fly him up to the area with the capsule, and then web-slings his way over to the capsule with a spare guidance system. But! There's no way to get in JJJ's good books, as he chalks up the crisis to Spider-Man's sabotage of the situation so that he could present himself as a hero.
The
Anyhow, Chameleon somehow is able to broadcast messages on the same wavelengths that spiders communicate (must have been some angry spiders in NYC that night...) and he draws Spidey out to the scene of his next heist. As the Chameleon escapes by helicopter, Spidey's able to use his Spider-sense to "tune in" the chopper and hone in on it. (Nope, none of those fancy Spider-tracers yet. I wonder if the Chameleon will get the credit for that one later on?) Spider-Man jams the hatch of the Soviet sub shut and he then commandeers the Chameleon's helicopter back to the scene of the crime. But! A smoke pellet provides the Chameleon with time enough to run off and disguise himself as one of New York's finest. Luckily, Spider-Man manages to help nab him, but he still feels abused by the world.
The B-stories for Amazing Fantasy and Tales of Suspense are odd. In TOS #39, there's "the Last Rocket" - with all but two humans fleeing the planet in the face of impending solar collapse. The two that stay dig the earth, love nature, and don't want to leave their homes. The sun nears its end, and then a new star explodes into place - and Adam and Eve talk about how they're going to populate this new earth. (I'll take Larry Niven's "How About Chocolate Covered Manhole Covers" instead - which does a nicer job of this, thanks.) And #39 ends with "Gundar!" - where the shipwrecked descendant of a Viking captain who'd cursed his mutinous crew frees them from the curse. (Yep, I've told that one back to front - they reveal his name at the end. I'm sure I've ruined that story for dozens now.)
In Amazing Fantasy #15 there's another religious parable - this time, in "The Bell-ringer!", the old man who stays on a volcano-imperiled island is taken heavenward from the chapel which he'd not deserted. (And yet it takes three pages to tell it!) Two sub-EC "surprise twist" tales round out this issue - in "Man in the Mummy Case!", a thief is offered refuge from the police by a mummy... only the refuge is through time, working as a slave on the work gang for the mummy's pyramid! And in "There are Martians among us!" a UFO crash-lands and the nation is alerted to the likelihood of human-sized martians among them. Weeks pass, and a quiet domestic scene of paranoia is shown - with the husband daring to go out, and the wife told to not admit anyone - but when the wife realizes that there's no coffee for after dinner, she dares to go and buy some... only to be surprised by footsteps and then captured! And when her husband comes home to find her missing and calls for help - if she's gone, then she's been caught and they'll know she's a Martian... and they'll come for him next! And as he says this, one hand is holding the phone to his head... another is mopping his cheek... and two others are held out in either surprise or jazz-hands! Quel surprise!
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